Would a Domestic Violence Registry Make a Difference?
Having been involved in more than one abusive relationship throughout my 55 years of life, the thought of having a DVR (Domestic Violence Registry) is and would be something I would fully support and be behind. Many may ask, what good will that do? Or, will that change anything? In saying that and as I write this article for my blog, I would have to be totally honest and be the first to admit, having a DVR might not stop me or others from getting involved with another abuser, but it would definitely help us to be more educated in terms of whom we become involved with.
Allow me to give you a little history of why I would support a DVR as well as my comment about possibly getting involved with another abuser. Let me first say, getting involved with another abuser is not something I would relish or want to do.
However, I grew up in a time when the saying, “What happens at home, stays at home,” was a core belief declared by many parents. I married a man who also lived by that very same philosophical view. That belief, was strictly adhered in our home and it was enforced by my husband.
At one point, when my children were still very young, the situation in my marriage had gotten really bad. Having grown up in an abusive home, I really did not want to substitute one abuse for another, but I knew I had been eleven when my abuse started and my children were much younger than that. Additionally I had come to recognize the situation in my marriage had become abusive and I did not feel safe. I talked to my parents about taking the kids and going to their place for a visit. Dad’s response was, “You made your bed, now you lie in it,” and hung up on me.
After 22-years of marriage, I found myself divorced, living with two teenage children as a single parent on the income of a part time job, being supplemented by social services and being ridiculed by society as being a lazy, unfit mother, because I couldn’t keep my husband happy within the confines of our marriage.
A few months after the finalization of a long and nasty fight for divorce, I met and dated a man whom I believed was a very nice man. However, our fourth date was our last date. On our third date he started ridiculing me about my beliefs and on our fourth date, he embarrassed me in front of mutual friends by telling them just how stupid and ridiculous my beliefs were. Four months after our last date, an anxiety attack due to ramifications of him showing up within seconds, no matter where I went, brought about an ambulance ride to our local hospital emergency room. The police were of no help to me at all, because he was only ‘following’ me and had not physically ‘harmed’ me. As far as the police were concerned, saying he was stalking me, was too hard to prove or base any charges on. They did however suggest I could try to get a restraining order against him, but I would have to pay for it myself. My children were living on their own and in different towns, so for my own safety, I moved away from that community.
I would like to say my next relationship was better, but unfortunately, I cannot. A three year relationship ended when he was charged with 1 charge of harassment for the 200 + threatening and insulting messages left on my cell phone voice-mail, 1 charge of attempted assault, because he tried to push me down the stairs of our home and 1 charge of assault, because he walked into my place of place of employment and emptied a jar of urine on me – in front of customers. This did result in a restraining order for 1 year.
However, the fact that he stalked me for the next several years was something I had to learn to live with, because it is too hard to prove if there is no physical harm done. I will never forget the police officer telling me to get the GPS locator set up on my phone, so they could find my body, just in case I went missing.
I know that for my first and longest relationship the abuse grew over time and came to its worst by the end of the marriage, so implementing a DVR way back in the seventies, at least for me would not have been of any consequence. However, for my 2002, 2004 – 2007 and my very short 2015 relationships, a DVR would have been very beneficial for me. Implementing a DVR for proven and convicted abusers would be great for any woman.
There have been too many men, court ordered to take part in programs like PAR (Partner Abuse Response) promising no conviction and a pardon, if the program is completed. Which means once a facilitator signs off on the completion documents the abuser, is free to start all over again with someone new with no fear of previous charges being revealed.
I did not find out that my ex-fiancée had previous assault and battery charges due to domestic violence in his previous relationship, until I had charged him. I brought my findings to the police and court, but because he had completed the previous PAR program, there were no records of any previous charges. They did however ask me how I knew about previous charges and his PAR participation. The officer shrugged his shoulders when I told him, “He made friends with one of the other participants in that program and they are still friends. I am friends with that friend too. He told me.”
A sad, funny, strange fact and maybe has nothing to do with this article, but the woman who consoled my ex-fiancée through the assault charges I had placed on him, sat beside him as he appeared in court, was his previous girlfriend. Yes siree, bob the woman who had charged him with assault and battery in 2003, steadfastly supported him as he faced the judge in a court of law in 2007. I have now moved away from that community too, but right or wrong feel bad for her. I have been told by mutual friends that he has not changed, but because he completed the court ordered PAR program in 2008, he laughs because his record was wiped clean and no conviction was pursued.
In 2008 I applied for and my enrollment into a Bachelors of Social Work Degree program in our local university was accepted. I was 48 when I entered university and June 2014 I graduated with honours with my degree. I studied with many men and women who had lived through similar situations as I have and one of the things that was a constant was the fact that so many husbands, boyfriends and even girl friends were able to continue in their abusive lifestyles because they completed a PAR program with no other ramifications.
Yes programs like PAR are needed and beneficial, but there needs to be more. Having their names added to a DVR, would be a much better deterrent to domestic violence, than a complete this and all charges will be dropped program.
So my question, would a Domestic Violence Registry make a difference? From what I have seen and experienced over the years; personally, through fellow student, friends, women’s groups, and clients, a DVR, would make more of a difference to the victims of domestic violence than any of the behave and get out of jail free programs being offered now.
I want to thank Mommy's Place not only for making the picture above available to the public and facebook users, but also for giving me permission to use it for this blog and allowing me to write this article to be specifically written about it.
